Top 5 Things You Don’t Say to a Pregnant Woman

1)   Is there a baby in there?”

The cashier at Target stopped dead in his tracks in between bagging my household items to clarify just what exactly was going on in my mid-section. It was the most sincere of questions it seemed, because of the look of bewilderment on his face.  Maybe he thought I was a lesbian (stranger things have happened) and had a hard time with the science of it all.


2)   Oh man, you look like you’re about to pop!”

Speaking of science, I feel like the folks who say this line never went to a single biology class. My belly is not a balloon or a container of Jiffy Pop. I am not going to spontaneously combust. And also, I am not "about" to pop. I still have another two months of pregnancy. So if you think I’m huge now, just wait.  I’m going to get bigger and I’m going to find you and sit on your head.


3)   “Are you sure it’s not twins?”

Are you sure you want to keep asking me questions?


4)   A home birth? That sounds dangerous!"

Everyone has the autonomy to choose their own birth plan and I’ll avoid getting on a soapbox about why I’ve decided to deliver at home.  That being said, many of the complications that lead to dangerous situations around birth and delivery have to do with the often-unnecessary interventions that arise during a pregnant mother’s time at the hospital during labor. I don’t expect people to understand the ins and outs of home birth. I’m learning myself. But please, don’t put your fear on me. I have bigger problems to worry about right now. Like filing a police report for my ankles, which have both gone missing.


5)   “Do you want to split a dessert?”

Of course I don’t. I want the entire dessert. And, let’s be honest.  So do you.